ArMaWolF on Xanga

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ArMaWolF

Name: ArMa
Country: United States
State: New York
Metro: New York City
Birthday: 5/11/1977
Gender: Male

Interests: Movies. Anime. Music (Doom & Black Metal, Dancehall reggae) Art (Japanese, Chinese, African, Egyptian, Baroque) Writing.
Expertise: Notice that 'writer' isn't on the occupation list. Funny how that is? We get no love.
Occupation: Writer; Aide for the Developme

Message: message me
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Yahoo:

Member Since: 2/22/2004

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! ! ! ! ! MOVIE BUFF ! ! ! ! ! previous - random - next Fight Club previous - random - next ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! MOVIE MANIAC ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! previous - random - next ! > > > I LOVE THE MOVIES < < < ! previous - random - next Fight Club = pure genius previous - random - next

Posting Calendar

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Monday, June 04, 2007

Crow's gone.

I had to put my dog to sleep today, and I'm not taking it well.

My puppy, my little puppy Crow.

she's gone. she's fucking gone.

She had been ill for the past two weeks with what was originally thought to be an infection of her urethra, but it got worse and prevented her from urinating. Her straining to pee made her slip a disc in her back which added to her pain and thus she stopped eating totally. She was put on steroids and pain killers and got a little bit better but the lack of appetite and urination was still there.

Took her back to the vet again this morning and they checked her urethra out and found two tumors blocking her bladder. Urine had backed up into her stomach and she was slowly going toxic. They tried to drain her but couldn't get past the tumors, all the catheter came back was blood and a gross discharge.

If they could have drained her bladder then it might have bought enough time for chemo. The placement of the tumors meant that surgery was out of the question as an alternative that could have succeeded. They would have had to split her pelvis and there was no guarantee they'd get all the cancer or that she'd recover at all.

So I held her in my arms while sitting on the floor of the examination room and felt her breath on my arm and the beating of her heart one last time. It reminded me of my first day with her. When I held her in my arms and took her to the same vet to get her shots and checked out. She breathed on my arm, drooled on me and I felt her heartbeat. Eight years later I sat there with tears in my eyes knowing that the soft warm breath on my arm would be the final time.

She gasped once after the drugs were in her, I looked into her eyes and then I walked out. I didn't want to see her final moment.

That was my puppy. My big dog. My crazy little pup. She was there for me when I was losing my mind, when I was going through panic attacks, when I came back from Canada without Amanda, when I clutched my chest and staggered to the door for my ambulance rides, when I woke up in the middle of the night barely breathing. Every single day when I came home she was there, putting her paws on my shoulders and licking my face and head.

I'm so used to looking down to my right and seeing her there that when I walked from the vet to the car I felt uneven, like the balance of my life was off.

I had her for 8 years. Do you know how many people I have in my life now that I did 8 years ago? It's a rather short list.

My mother and my friend Wanda. That's it.

I'm going to miss you Crow. I'm going to miss the hell out of you. I've had six dogs in my life and you were the best. Pure personality, pure heart, pure strength, with those big brown eyes and that dang nose that would burrow under my comforter to wake me up in the morning.

3:10 PM - 24 views - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

Thursday, October 19, 2006

God would you please give us all a break already?

So I come home from work last night to find a whole bunch of messages on the answering machine, all are for Madre, her friends looking for her or saying hi or giving condolences.

One was from one of her male coworkers who seemed in a hurry to speak with her.

I didn't think anything of it, I thought he had just lost his med key or was short a narcotic and needed some help.

He called back this afternoon...

I picked up, told him where Madre was and when she was coming home.

Then he drops a fucking bombshell.

One of my mother's coworkers and bestfriends died last night.

Holy fucking god.

So when Madre gets home I have to give her this news. I can't tell her over the phone it just wouldn't be right.

God help her, this is just fucking wretched.

She loses her sister sunday, now one of her bestfriends on thursday.

The prospect of that conversation has me on the brink of fucking tears man.

Fuck I'm a pussy but I so don't want to have to tell her this. Damnit not now, just not fucking now.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck FUCK! FUCK!

1:23 PM - 27 views - 4 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Bobs is gone...

The only thing to be said is that at least she's not in pain anymore.

God I hate saying that.

Such a small concellation.

11:31 AM - 26 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

Friday, October 06, 2006

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	3:30 AM - 8 views - 2 eprops - 1 comment

Monday, June 19, 2006

This will be my final post on Xanga.

No I'm not going to myspace or LJ or blogspot or whatever's the fucking flavor of the month.

8:38 PM - 22 views - email it

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